Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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