oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
