just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
