I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize