Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
