Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
