Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
