How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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