it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
