we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
