Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
