I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
