I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
