I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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