My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize