Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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