new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
