I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
