I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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