I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
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