And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
