I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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