he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
