see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
