if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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