i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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