i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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