Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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