My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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