i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
