saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
