Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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