Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize