everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
