just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
