She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
