new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
