Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
