After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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