If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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