I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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