So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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