Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
