My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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