I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I could make wine with my vomit
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
