Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
