Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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