he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
