Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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