I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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