I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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