i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
How does one acquire holy water?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
