Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
