he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
