Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
