I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
