Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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