Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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