this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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