Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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