I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
This is my gift to your gina
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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