I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
