god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize