im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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