i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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