I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
