On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
